Today I just can't.

When I started this blog about baby Kevin I knew that no matter how difficult it was I had to be real.  And let me tell you, today it feels real.  I had been doing relatively okay this past week or so.  I've been making meals, playing with the kids, and doing all those normal things people take for granted.  Somehow I was getting through the days.  Then last night as I was trying to fall asleep the reality of Kevin's diagnosis hit me all over again.  I cried through the night and I haven't been able to stop for a lot of today.  Sometimes it feels so heavy that I don't know if I can withstand it.  As I get bigger and the weeks go by I am constantly reminded that my days with baby Kevin are numbered.  I am trying my hardest to remember how blessed I am with whatever time I am granted with him.  I am working on being grateful for every little kick, every ultrasound photo, every moment I get to share with him in this life.  But I am not going to lie...it's hard!

For all my "good" days there are just as many horrible ones.  There are days that I want to kick and scream and yell about the unfairness of it all.  And yet I know that Kevin was put here for some reason.  It can't be an accident that he was placed here with me.  I can't believe that it was a random roll of the dice that led us here.  I don't yet know what that reason is and maybe I never will.  I only know that there has to be some purpose to this all.  If I didn't believe that I wouldn't be able to survive it.

I will get back to Kevin's story soon but for today, I just can't.  Today is one of those days that I am trying my hardest just to get through one hour, one minute, one second, at a time.

When I couldn't sleep last night I came across the song "I Will Carry You" by Selah.  I had just finished a book of the same name by Angie Smith not realizing that it was written by the wife of one of the artists who performs the song.  It was written about their daughter Audrey who also received a fatal diagnosis in the womb.  I am so grateful that they chose to share their story and this song.  I finally feel like there is someone out there who understands what we are going through.  I highly recommend the book to anyone going through anything similar.

The song has been on my mind all day and I decided to create a slideshow for baby Kevin using it.