Friday, February 26, 2016

If love could save him....

The last couple of days have felt so strange.  Knowing when Kevin will be arriving is making everything seem even more intense than usual.  By this time next month he will most likely have come and gone.  I am not sure how to process that.  Sometimes I feel like I am living in a nightmare I can't escape.

The extra amniotic fluid is beginning to get uncomfortable and it's becoming increasingly difficult to sleep and move around to care for the twins.  I complain to Scott and then immediately feel bad for it.  What is my discomfort compared to what my baby is about to face?  I should be grateful for every day of this pregnancy, not complaining about it.  Most of the time I don't know what to feel.

I am having conflicted feelings about Kevin's birth.  I can't wait to hold him in my arms and spend as many moments with him as possible.  I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am also scared half to death.  Will he survive birth?  Will I get to hear him cry?  Will his tiny lungs be so immature that he will visibly struggle for air?  I am so afraid of seeing him suffer that the thought makes me almost physically ill.

 I've had my hospital bag ready for quite some time, along with a bag of baby outfits and photo props for Kevin.  Today I began putting together a small bag for the funeral home.   Inside I tucked the little blue blanket knitted by one grandma and the gown made by the other.  The little pewter urn that will contain his ashes should be arriving today.  Made to resemble a child's block, it will soon be put in the bag with all the rest.

The twins and I went shopping this morning and, as usual, I couldn't keep my eyes from the racks of little tiny baby things.  I hurried on past them and into the toddler section to distract myself.  I immediately came across the adorable little Easter suits.  I found one with a shirt in the perfect shade of blue and grabbed it.  Drew is the first one to have an outfit for his little brother's funeral.

I got to the checkout and the cashier began ringing up my things.  Normally I am happy for a friendly one but not so much today.  My head was already spinning from my morning when she started up a conversation about my pregnancy.  She wanted to know what I am having and when I am due.  She congratulated me and commented on how much work I am going to have on my hands with the new baby and toddler twins.   As with every other time this has happened, I smiled and went along with the conversation.  I don't feel like relaying the entire story to a random person in public and even if I did I don't want to bring them down.  Normally these conversations don't bother me.  Sometimes it's nice to have someone ask me questions about Kevin without knowing they are feeling sorry for me or are afraid of saying the wrong thing.  Today I am just too raw.

I don't want to make the wrong impression here,   I am happy to carry baby Kevin and extraordinarily grateful for every miraculous moment I get with him.  At the same time it hurts beyond measure that I will not get to keep him and that he is only mine for just a little while.  I wish I could change things but I can't.  I can't help but think of the saying, "If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."  Oh what truth there is to that.

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