There are some days in your life that, no matter how hard you try to forget, will be forever seared into your memory. Today is one of them. After weeks of avoidance Scott and I finally decided to return Kevin's crib to Amazon. We got the his diagnosis right before we had planned to set it up. We never even got the chance to open the box. While it feels awful to send it back now we know it will only be more difficult later on. If God chooses to grant us a miracle we will be more than happy to buy a new one. Unfortunately we know that isn't likely to be our reality.
Scott made the arrangements to have it shipped back. He came home for a few minutes this morning to sit the box out front. He wanted to spare me from having to deal with it. I thought I could pretend it wasn't out there. I thought I would be okay. I was hoping they would pull up and take it away and I would be none the wiser. I got the twins down for a nap and brought the laptop downstairs and sat it at the desk near the dining room window. I opened it up and was getting ready to type up the next installment of Kevin's story when UPS pulled up. The moment I saw the truck I lost it. I wanted to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and cry just like my 2 year old son does. The thought of them driving off with my baby's bed was unbearable. As the truck pulled away my first instinct was to chase after it. If only that would change anything.
If there is anything I have learned in this past year it's that life isn't fair. I often wonder what I have done wrong to deserve the things that have happened. What could I have possibly done so wrong that deserves this sort of punishment? On my better days I know this isn't my fault. On my worst I feel like it must be. Some days my mind can't begin to process the sheer horror of it.
Every single day it feels like I am wading through muck, just trying to take one step at a time to get through the day. How long can a person live like that? I don't know but I guess I am going to find out. If it wasn't for my other children I doubt I would even be able to get out of bed in the morning. All I can do is pray to God that he give me the strength to make it through just one more day. And then one more. And then another after that. What other choice do I have?
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