Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Kevin's Birth Part 1 (Kevin's Story Part 13)

On the morning of induction Scott and I were up bright and early.  We had been instructed to call the hospital that morning so they could let us know what time to come in.  Thankfully labor and delivery wasn't busy and they told us to come on in as soon as we were ready.

We had a babysitter on the way to stay with the twins and the big boys were going to wait at the hospital with mom and dad.   The twins had never been left overnight without one of us and I was worried how they would react.  I will never forget walking to the car that day with both Drew and Layla crying because we were leaving them behind.  I could see Drew crying at the window as we drove away.  I wanted to do the same.  I knew that when we came back our lives would be forever changed.

I really don't remember much about the drive to the hospital that day.  I do remember thinking how strange the drive felt.  I knew that when we returned from the hospital our baby would be gone.  Once again my mind wasn't quite capable of comprehending the enormity of the situation.  I tried my hardest to focus on meeting our baby.  I couldn't let my mind wander too far beyond that.

As I entered the hospital that day everything felt so unreal.  Surely the couple walking through the hospital wasn't us.  It felt like a nightmare that I would soon wake up from.

Before we knew it we had made it up to labor and delivery and I was checking in.  Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was playing on the tv in the waiting room. I wondered how the twins were doing and if they had finally calmed down.  Shortly afterwards a nurse called my name and we were led down the hall to my room.  What had previously felt like a dream suddenly became reality.  I was handed a gown to change into and had to choke back a sob.  This was really happening.  I looked across the room at little bed that was waiting for Kevin and imagined what it would be like to meet him.  

The nurse reappeared and my IV was set up for induction.  The next hour consisted of what seemed like person after person coming in and having me sign various forms.  Finally, at about 10 am the pitocin was started.  I had been induced with my oldest son Anton and labor had gone quickly.  I fully expected to be meeting Kevin sometime that night. Mom, dad, and my oldest sons arrived at the hospital and we settled in to wait.

A few hours went by and I was making little progress.  The pitocin was increased and before long I was beginning to be in pain.  Labor wasn't progressing like I had expected and I decided to go ahead and get an epidural.  My hope was to get a little sleep before Kevin arrived.  I didn't want to be so exhausted by the time he arrived that I couldn't enjoy my time with him.  

I was given pitocin throughout the night.  I had expected labor to go quickly and felt terrible that my parents and two older kids were stuck sleeping in the hospital.  I began to get very frustrated when things didn't move along as I'd hoped.

Finally, at around 4 am I had dilated enough that it looked like things were about to move quickly.  It appeared we would be meeting Kevin within the next couple of hours.  Scott called in the photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep so she could be there to record Kevin's birth and any time we had with him afterwards.  I was ready to meet my baby.

Before I knew it I felt ready to push.  I pushed and pushed with little to show for it.  Kevin didn't seem to be moving down and it was decided that we would take a break and try again in a bit.  I was propped up into a sitting position in the bed in hope that the gravity and contractions would move Kevin down farther.  

After a while I tried pushing again and still got nowhere.  Kevin didn't seem to want to budge.  I was exhausted and frustrated.  Once again I was put in various positions that may help labor to progress. Once again we waited.  It was now late morning and the everyone, including the photographer, had been waiting for hours.

A little while later it was time to try again.  My pitocin had been increased even more and I was feeling an irresistible urge to push.  The doctor felt that forceps might be needed to aid with the delivery so everything was set up and extra people were brought in to assist.  From the beginning I was completely against the idea of forceps.  I was determined to deliver Kevin on my own.  Every time forceps were brought up I refused.  I could tell that the epidural was making it difficult to feel if I was pushing correctly so I stopped topping it off.  I began to tell that I was pushing correctly but still wasn't making any progress.  I continued to push to the point of total exhaustion.  I knew I was going to have to give in and agree to the forceps.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I had nothing left.  I knew that the more time I spent in labor was more stress put on the baby,  Enough was enough.

The doctors began to place the forceps and immediately I regretted it.  It was by far the worst pain I had ever felt in my life.  I felt like I was being ripped in half and began screaming uncontrollably for them to stop.  Time stood still and I continued to scream.  I was horrified at my own screaming but at the same time unable to stop. The pain was beyond belief.  They finally got the forceps in place and told me it was time to push.  "One big push and he'll be here".  

During the next contraction they told me to push.  I was so overtaken by the pain that I was barely able to do anything.  They pulled but I wasn't able to push enough to get anywhere.  By this point I was scared for both myself and my baby.  I was in the most pain I had ever been in.  I could only imagine what this was doing to my fragile baby.  I didn't know how he could survive it.  With the next push I was so driven by fear for him that I gave it everything I had.  I knew I had to get him out and I had to get him out now.  I pushed with all my might and the doctor pulled with the forceps.  Still Kevin did not budge.  

I had failed.  I would not be able to deliver Kevin vaginally.  He just wasn't going to fit.  The doctor decided it was time for a c-section.  I had now been in labor for over 24 hours and had given it all I had but it hadn't been enough.  Kevin would have to be born by c-section and I wouldn't be able to hold him properly after birth.  What I had feared all through pregnancy had come true.

They were prepping me to go back to surgery and I asked Scott to please have someone check Kevin's heartbeat.  I was scared he hadn't made it through the trauma of me trying to deliver him.  I was mentally preparing myself to deliver a stillborn.  It was the most agonizing moment of my life up to that point.  

The nurse came over to check his heartbeat and there it was, strong as ever!  So far nothing had gone as planned but my baby was still alive.  I was going to meet him after all.

To be continued.....

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