Wednesday, December 16, 2015
The Calm Before the Storm (Kevin's Story Part 3)
Scott and I had conflicted feelings about having the anatomy scan on the due date for the baby we had lost. I considered calling back and rescheduling but didn't want to push it back any later than it was. While it would be hard to have it done on that day I thought maybe it would be helpful to also be able to see this new life that was growing inside me. The conflicting emotions were intense. If the baby we had previously lost had survived then the one I was currently carrying couldn't exist.
I still had moments of fear from our recent miscarriage and I think Scott felt it even more intensely than I did. He was hesitant to begin buying anything or to make too many plans because of what what happened a few months before. I decided I wasn't going to let the outcome of my last pregnancy steal the joy from my current one. Of course I still grieved over what we had lost but we had a new life to plan for and look forward to.
We hadn't found out the genders with our twins and I decided I didn't want to find out this time either. I began to slowly plan the nursery and decided on a gray and yellow color scheme with a "You are my Sunshine" theme. My grandma Margie often sang the song to my sisters and I when we were little. I thought it would be nice to incorporate that into the room. I chose a white crib and a gender neutral car seat, both of which we had delivered to our house. Even though we didn't want to find out the gender I was convinced I was having a boy. I was so convinced that I bought a boyish looking swing. I came across Sesame Street baby bottles with Cookie Monster, Elmo, and Big Bird that reminded me of my older son Xander when he was a baby. I had to have those also. I would look at what I had chosen and laugh at the thought of being wrong and having to use these things for a baby girl instead.
Weeks went by. My sister came to visit. We celebrated Halloween followed by my birthday and Thanksgiving. I was constantly aware of how far along I should have been with my previous pregnancy and the fact that I should have been bringing a new baby home shortly. The one thing that made life bearable was the life I was carrying inside me and the idea that I would soon be seeing my baby again on ultrasound. I was excited but also scared at the thought of soon caring for a newborn and rambunctious two year old twins. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it all but kept telling myself that it would all fall into place.
Scott and I scheduled a 3d ultrasound for my 25 week mark. It was something we had wanted to do with the twins but I had been so sick during that pregnancy that we never quite got around to it. Scott and I discussed it and decided that he would stay home and watch the twins while I was at the anatomy scan. The 3d ultrasound would be shortly after and he would attend that one instead. We wouldn't have to pay for a babysitter twice and he wouldn't have to miss an extra day of work.
We decorated for Christmas and the entire time I thought about both the baby I should be holding at Christmas and the one who would be arriving in a few months time. It was a season of both joy and sorrow.
We began making more concrete plans for the baby's room and decided to combine our two oldest boys into the largest of the kids' rooms. We would give our oldest sons room, which is smallest, to the new baby. We would start changing things over at the beginning of the new year when things were more settled down. In the meantime we counted down the days until we would see our baby on ultrasound again. For now we would enjoy our last Christmas together as a family of 6.