At this point all I could think about was meeting Kevin. I wasn't nervous like I had been with the twins. I knew that within a few minutes he would be here. The one thing that I didn't like was getting my arms strapped down. I hadn't experienced that during the twins delivery.
I was quickly prepped for surgery and Scott came back into the room. Nothing that had come before mattered. Kevin was on his way!
The minutes flew by and at exactly 12 pm Kevin was placed on my chest. He was awake and moving and trying to cry. I fought to move my hands to hold him. Scott finally freed one of my hands and, for the first time, I was able to touch my baby. At this point he was active and kept reaching for my face. It was the best thing I had ever felt in my life. As I stroked his head he briefly opened his eyes and looked right into mine. I had already received all that I had prayed for. Kevin had been born alive, I had heard him make a sound, and I got to look into his eyes. Kevin opened his eyes so briefly that the photographer wasn't able to catch it in camera. It doesn't matter because it is a moment I will never forget for as long as I live.
After this I lost track of all time. I held him and told him I loved him. I told him I was sorry. I wished I could do so much more for him but I knew it was out of my hands. I began to feel queasy and thought I might get sick so I asked Scott to hold him. Kevin was now very limp and lethargic. Scott held him and talked to him. The photographer was able to get photos of the 3 of us together while the doctor worked on getting me stitched up.
Scott continued to hold Kevin and I kept reaching for him and stroking his face. I never wanted to let go of him. I suddenly began to get very sleepy and drifted in and out. Scott and I decided that he should take Kevin out to meet his brothers and grandparents since I should be following soon.
The doctor continued to work on me for a while and then I heard, "How am I seeing the catheter?" I had received a bladder injury sometime during the c-section. Another doctor was called in to help with the repair and my heart dropped. I wanted to go out and be with my baby but instead I was now in for a lengthy bladder repair. I was frantic to get out of the OR and kept asking the doctors if they were almost done. Each time they would reply, "Just a little while longer." Every once in a while my epidural would start to fade and I would begin to feel a little of what they were doing. I would let them know and they would top up the epidural again. I alternated between bouts of dropping off to sleep and asking if they were almost finished.
After what seemed like forever they were finally done. I was cleaned up and the sheet that had blocked the doctors from my sight was lowered. I looked up at a clock on the wall and saw that the time read 2:58. Kevin had been born nearly 3 hours ago. It was too late. I knew he was gone.
I was wheeled to a recovery room where Scott and Kevin were waiting on me. I whispered, "He's gone?" Scott shook his head yes. There, in the tiny hospital bassinet, was my baby. I asked Scott to bring him to me. I was sad that I hadn't been with him when he passed away but knew that he had been in good hands with his daddy. I felt an odd sense of peace that his struggling was now over. All he had known in his life was love.
I asked Scott to fill me in on what I had missed. He had brought him back for my parents and older sons to meet him. Kevin passed away shortly after my sons left the room. He had lived for a total of 40 minutes. Scott had bathed him and had his picture taken in the outfits I had brought along, He had been careful to do everything with Kevin that he felt I would have done. I am forever grateful that Scott was able to be there for Kevin when I wasn't.
I was allowed to keep Kevin with me for as long as I wanted. I sent Scott home to finally get some sleep. I kept Kevin with me for all of that night. I held him in my arms and took in every tiny feature. I couldn't believe how perfect he looked and how much hair he had. More than my 4 other kids combined! He looked so perfect that it was hard to believe he had so many issues.
I kept Kevin in the room with me all of the next day. Scott and my parents came in and everyone was able to get pictures with him and hold him for one last time. It was nearing time for the day shift nurses to go home when I decided it was time to let him go. We asked our favorite nurse, Rebecca, to be the one to take him away. Letting him go will forever be one of the saddest moments of my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment